I've been thinking a lot about this one lately. It's something that keeps coming up for me over the years with my family and often with clients that are on their healing path. As people heal and get well, of course they want the same for their loved ones. I get questions like, “So what am I going to do about my kids? What am I going to do about my husband? They're still not eating well. What can I possibly do?” Or I hear, “I'm clearing out all this energy and I see things differently. What can I do about my partner?”
Many of us go there. I know that I have in the past.
Here’s the deal. Honestly, the only thing you can do is the easiest and also the hardest. The single thing that you have control over is your own healing. You have control over your decision to heal. You have no control over someone else’s path to healing.
The other beautiful, incredible thing is that in healing yourself, and loving yourself enough to heal, you can help to heal those around you. If you think that sounds crazy, just think about parenting, being in a relationship, or loving someone struggling with addiction. If one person in a relationship changes, the whole system changes. In fact, trying to heal others through control actually takes away energy in the healing process and almost always pushes the other away. This holds true for spouses, children, parents, and loved ones.
There's a fine line between being available as a vessel for healing and support, and putting something on someone else and expecting them to change. In my life, and in my practice, the people that are able to heal are those that choose to. Hands down, this has been true 100% of the time. In my work, I don't create motivation. I don’t create their choice or commitment. I do support that choice. I do pour my own love and intention into support and guide those that I work with. Being able to be there for someone comes from having done that work myself and loving myself enough to guide others when they choose to heal themselves.
If you're wanting to heal yourself or wanting to heal those around you, then your single next step is to begin the process of your own healing. The amazing thing about this is that it’s not just about physical wellness, it's also about healing dynamics, relationships, energy exchange, and yes, things like eating habits and physical health. Making a decision to heal and setting an intention always sets things in motion. Maybe it’s eating better. Maybe it’s exercise. Maybe it’s a daily practice of meditation. I don’t know what starting your process looks like, but you do!
The next question is often, “What if I grow and I heal and nothing happens?” That's actually impossible. If you grow and you heal, the dynamic will shift. It has to. You have changed and are different and no system can remain the same if something has changed. It may mean that you have grown out of the relationship and that you choose to move on from a place of love or to create something new with that person. It may mean that the relationship flows freely for the first time ever. Shifting your energy and creating wellness always changes something. It can be scary, but I encourage you to welcome the infinite opportunities created by healing.
It’s important for you to know that trying to control someone else takes energy away from you and usually your loved one as well.
You can let that rest. You can put that down and reclaim the only thing that you truly have control of...yourself.
So how does healing yourself heal others? By letting those around you know that you own your choices, your health, your wellness, and your role in any dynamic that you're in, you create an opening. You instantaneously create space for that other person to grow and change themselves. I have personally witnessed miracles and healing in a system when one person chose to heal themselves. I have done it in my own family and in my own marriage.
Only when I have created space for my loved ones and come from a place of willingness to serve and guide and be whole and well myself, have I been able to be the healer in my family. Only when I have created space for others to make their own choices and experience the outcomes of their choices, has there been an opportunity for me to support their path and growth.
In my own family, I have had to learn the valuable lesson of allowing my children to make choices and experience the outcomes. When children are small, we naturally have more control. When they are little, this is necessary and good. We set appointments for them, prepare their food, and set boundaries when appropriate. As they grow, they begin to differentiate and create their own intentions. When I chose to enforce strict dietary and supplement practices in my family, I created rebellion. At a certain point with my teenager, I lovingly let go. The relief in the relationship was immediate. It was followed by about 12 months of her making food choices that led to significant illness and having to take care of herself. Obviously, this could not be done in the same way with a small child! Over that time, I continued to offer insight and love, while I modeled self-care and commitment to my own healing. At this point, I observe her continually tuning in to her body. I even hear her says things to her friends like, “I’m not going to have that right now. I’m fighting something and I want to stay well.” This win-win required my own healing and release of control. The same has held true for my relationship with my husband. My greatest dream has come true now and they all reach out to me on their own when they need healing guidance.
If you are on your own healing path and you feel like you've been awakened, and if you see the incredible opportunity in front of you, then you need to know that you can only heal yourself. All that you can offer those that you love, is space for the same awakening. This is your moment to be the light, to show others what is possible through love, openness, perseverance, and modeling. Create generous space for them to see as well. Don't attach your timeline to others. It is not your timeline and it would have been impossible for someone else to create yours. You can let this attachment go.
Once we make a decision, the amazing thing is that the process of getting there unfolds naturally. It may take five minutes or five years. I have experienced both. Sometimes showing up for others looks like action. If you're hoping to change a food dynamic in your family, start joyfully creating delicious, nourishing food that nobody can resist. Embody the energy that you received from your nourishment. Like you have done for yourself, remove negative energy around food in your home. Model for your children that you are tuning in and listening to your body. Say things like, “I’m just going to check in with myself and see how that made me feel.”
These are all things that are within your control. Don't lose energy trying to pressure and control those you love, but do allow your energy to flow in a way that penetrates others with love and healing. I promise you that your vibrant healthy self will flow gently and clearly to those around you. Give it time. Begin with tenderness. Create space that was once created for you so that you could heal and always remember that healing is not linear.
To love others, we must first learn to love ourselves.
To release judgement of others, we must first release judgement of ourselves.
To heal others, we must first heal ourselves.
Sending you all healing, empowerment, and wisdom as you navigate this path. You are not alone.
Mitten Lowe is a Wellness Guide and Healer. She uses the unique energies of food, essential oils, herbs, homeopathy and emotional clearing to help guide others to a more vibrant, energetic, and balanced life.
Check out my blog for day to day useful self and and family nourishment and wellness guidance.